I lost all 3 of my parents at an early age when they leapt from a hot air balloon wearing parakeets. They weren’t dislexic, they were idiots. Only my father left a good-bye note saying he would miss us all. Sadly this proved not to be the case when he landed smack bang on top of my elder brother. But enough of the frivolities, I should tell you about me. I’m in my 30’s, I do comedy and I have a 5 year old daughter. Miracle oh miracle. I made a baby with my penis. Previously I had made nothing with my penis except a mess and some rudementary animal shapes. But now I am a father, I have to teach her about life. Difficult right? Because for a child the world is a place of wonder, of dreams. And people say to you when you’re young, “follow your dreams””¦.But as you get older you realise they don’t mean it. They mean, “get a job”. That’s the trouble. Dreams are like children, if you follow them too long people get suspicious. I should know I’ve been doing it for years”¦”¦ that’s a joke”¦get it”¦before you press the ‘report this’ button you little snitch. Firstly, there isn’t one, this isn’t facebook and secondly, it’s a joke, that’s what I do, remember?